Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Table for 1?

I think I can honestly say for the first time since I was about 14, that I am honestly happy to be single and I Honestly DON'T want a relationship right now.

Before when I would say that it would most certainly be a lie and only told for one of two purposes: 1) to appease my relatives at a family gathering, or 2) if I were talking to a guy and wanted to act like the independent, non-threatening, type so as not to scare him off. Don't get me wrong, I've never been the "out for marriage, MRS degree" type, hell! I've turned down 3 proposals already - if I wanted to get married I could have done it by now!

But honestly, I don't want a relationship.

It's so odd that this phrase is coming out of my mouth (or keyboard) and its actually sincere. It feels so good to admit it. It's really liberating! I don't feel the need to date. I don't feel a compelling reason to go out other than to hang out with my friends. No ulterior motives. No searching for a future ex-boyfriend.

I can't tell you the precise motivation behind this realization. Perhaps it's because I'm working so much and so all my free time I feel is best allocated to spending time with my friends and getting my MTQ (Me Time Quota - an integral role in my sanity level). So maybe it's just a lack of downtime that hasn't left me wanting for a relationship.

Perhaps I've just gotten USED to being single. It's been almost a year since my last relationship - somewhat of a record for me. Maybe I'm just fed up with the bullshit. Maybe I'm so sick and tired of all the games, bad dates and general BS that one has to put up with while trying to find the fabled "one" that I would rather spend time receiving unconditional love from my cat than seeking it from a guy (but I'll bet you that's what the 80 year old cat woman living next door thought when she was perhaps this is a dangerous road to travel).

The thing that actually surprises me most is that I LIKE being alone! Recently I've even taken to having dinner alone on occasion. Sitting at a booth in my favorite dive bar working, writing, having a beer (sometimes a Marlborro Light as well) having a grilled cheese sandwich (on wheat bread with tomato). I LOVE it! I also went to see a movie this weekend - alone (a small, indy film I didn't want to have to talk my friends into seeing or apologize for if it was bad). And I didn't feel like a looser.

Should I feel like an anti-social recluse? Or should I feel like an incredibly self assured woman who sometimes prefers her own company to that of strange men she pretends to be interested in for the evening? I'm hoping it's latter, but maybe I'm in denial. Wouldn't be the first time ya know.

I'm looking at this as a healthy thing and I hope you'll agree but it may make me look like a jaded, romantically cynical cat lady. I suppose though there are worse things to be.


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