I'll Light a Candle

Do you believe in Love?

Real love? True love? The kind of love that makes all things possible and makes the world seem exciting again? The kind of love that makes you so happy that you could burst into tears at any moment? Where your face hurts from smiling and all the questions and doubt fade from your mind because you just know, in your soul, that this is right, this was the way that things were meant to be and that every hurt and struggle that you’ve gone through is all a small price to pay because it brought you to this point?

Its hard for me to even type that paragraph, let alone read to back to myself without a lump pressing urgently at my throat or the acrid blurring outlining my line of vision. 

I know this type of love is possible – but I don’t BELIEVE in it…anymore. I don’t believe in its impenetrability or that it lasts forever. 

I WANT to be that wide-eyed, optimistic girl again who believes in happy endings and that kind of love is possible again – but then again, I think that NOTHING is worth the pain I went through last year. NOTHING. 

So I’m scared. I’m scared to meet new people or to make myself vulnerable again. I’m scared to “get out there” and date because of what I not find – or even worse, what if I find it? I’m scared to let myself be happy again. 

I do WANT to be happy – everyone WANTS to be happy, right? But I found myself doing this a lot with Army – every time I even get that hint of happiness, that moment of butterflies or a touch of …. contentment (?) I stop. I pull back. I reign in. I can’t let go. I make sure that just in case I’m suddenly ambushed by sudden and utter indifference that I won’t be left in a complete state of emotional paralysis.

Recently heard an old proverb – that its better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. I do believe that, but what if that light inevitably goes out…?

Most of my friends would not describe me as timid or scared – quite the opposite, in fact. Yet, I am at a loss as to how I light that candle and still shield myself against the darkness, just in case the flame goes out? Is there some sort of emergency lighting system I can install in the event of candle failure?

 
Frankly, I still feel broken.

 

Intoxicated by my own tear's soul
And come tomorrow
When my beauty is old
Like a speckled princess
I'll try to cash in clovers for gold
So I'll light a candle and begin to
Write, turn to my work as refuge
Though my womb is a rush hour taxi
Ride, but I will try
To metamorphose pain along my plight
But I'll despise each word I write
So I am clinging to the
Edge like some soap-opera star
With her ten second fade
As the light cascades

~ Idina Menzel, "Straw Into Gold"

Snowy Tuesday Rantings

Not an update - just a little bit of a rant on this snowy Tuesday morning.

Yes, - the rest of my trip was LOVELY – but could my UK readers PUH-LEASE tell me why your bars close at 11:00 p.m.??? Its quite frustrating.

More funny London stories to come – HOWEVER, right now I have a bit of a bone to pick with my beloved neighborhood bar, The Front Page.

I turned 21 in the Front Page, dated bartenders, weekly happy hours at my favorite bar are a MUST. I love the laid back atmosphere, the people, the cheap drinks and the great bar food. HOWEVER – after a fabulous dinner at URBANA  with Ali (XO) on Saturday night, we decided to go out on the town and so decided to go to the old stand by – The Page. Since we had an early (by DC standards) dinner we arrived at the bar a little before 9:00 p.m. It was fairly empty – which was fine as we thought we’d snag a seat.

Travel, boredom, laziness have all led to the fact that its been awhile since I’d ventured out on a Saturday night – so I was surprised to find the majority of the stools removed from the relatively empty   bar in anticipation of accommodating a much larger crowd later in the evening. However, there were three, seemingly abandoned seats at the end of the bar with one almost full drink and one emptied drink in front of them.

So, ever the polite girl, I asked the bartender “are these seats taken”? And he says “yes – they just went outside to SMOKE!”

Are you KIDDING me!? The bartender was “saving” seats for three people who were outside polluting their lungs?? I could understand if one stayed behind to guard the stools – but for all three to be outside, smoking, having left no personal articles indicating their eminent return…sounds to me, utterly absurd.  

Does this sound ludicrous to anyone else? The only seats left in the bar – empty – and the bartender wouldn’t let  us sit down (and on top of that – he was quite rude about it!).

This was an ominous start to the evening – we then proceeded to Buffalo Billiards where, to be perfectly honest – I felt like I had out grown the scene and frankly, it was NOT a good feeling.

In London Town

I. LOVE. LONDON!!! 

I may never leave. 

The history, the beauty, the pubs and Camden Market - the coolest little shops...I would be totally broke from the shopping alone if I lived here!! Not to mention the cute accents! Even so so looking guys are instantly brought up to 'adorable' status just with the accents alone!! I'm slowly realizing that I live in the blandest city on the face of the earth! 

Off to drink and flirt some more!!

Cheers!!!

Pink Moods

Courtesey of PinkNic - I thought this was a fun little quote for Friday (even if it IS about pink instead of red). I've been thinking a lot about belief and so its appropriate.

Hopefully by now, I will have landed safely in the UK. If not, I'm tredding water or floating on a piece of twisted steel somewhere over the general direction of Titanic wreckage in the middle of the North Atlantic.

Either way, have a lovely weekend!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything goes wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles"
-Audrey Hepburn

3-2-1 Lift Off!

About 8 more hours and I’m off! To chilly, historic, beautiful London. The land of warm beer, cute royalty and even cute accents. I’m really excited – PLUS I’m staying with my best friend, Platonic Guy – whom I haven’t seen in years!! This man, about whom I’ve said very little on this blog has been there for me throughout the years no matter what. 

He was the only non-family member to call me in the hospital when I was undergoing radiation treatment for cancer and would bring me taco bell (my favorite junk food – don’t judge!) during recovery. No, we have never dated (he prefers petite brunettes to curvy redheads). He’s the type of friend that makes up part of who you are and so you are never so yourself as when you are with them. I truly looking forward to this vacation.

Unfortunately, there has been no headway on the beautiful boss front. At this point, my position is that I’ve put in over 6 months on this guy – developed a SERIOUS caffeine addiction as a result of getting coffee every morning with him, I’ve flirted, made a daily effort to look stunning (which in itself is exhausting), did the whole “I’m going to miss you – who am I going to get coffee with?” thing …nothing. At this point, I figure: he’s a grown man – if he wanted to ask me out, he would, right??

If not – I’ll just have to start doing the rounds in China Town (his neighborhood) until I happen to run into him in a social, non work setting. At this point, I’ll either give up, or seriously go on a love crusade of some sort! Then again, Prince William could always meet me and decide to dump what’s her name. After all…a girl can dream!

Frankly,

Confessions and Lessons and Really Big Messes

Confession:

I’m in love with my boss. Have I mentioned that? I am 100% crazy in love with my boss! And not the “I think he’s a great leader, role model type love”. No, the I want to do naughty naughty things to him type. Ya. Its bad. Before you ask the obvious – “No” he’s not married, nor has he ever been married. “Yes” he is single. He is 33 or 35 somewhere in there and…AMAZING…sigh. 

However, he will only technically be my boss for about 8 more days because he’s a political and will be ousted come January 20^th along with half the Washington, DC workforce. 

However, I haven’t quite worked out how to get from the “brilliant and attractive employee” to “brilliant and attractive girlfriend – or if not girlfriend, at least Saturday night fun date!” Someone suggested that on our ritualistic morning stroll for coffee I casually slip into the conversation that I’d like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

Anyone have any other bright ideas how to bridge this gap?

And before you go there - yes, I realize that I am the personification of Katherine Heigl circa 27 dresses sans hyper organization (she was even a bit of a redhead in that movie!). My brother was kind enough to bring this to my attention. Note he referenced Katherine Heigl - NOT Bridget Jones. All the disfunctionality...none of the cellulite! 

***************
In other news.....

I learned this week – a blender does not equal a mini food processor. 

While this may not be news to some...who are more profecient in the kitchen than moi....It was a bit of a failed culinary experiment. 

I got a little too ambitious with a spinach cream sauce I was going to make in order to brighten up the whole wheat penne I was planning to have for dinner. I thought, well….recipe calls for the 6 oz of baby spinach, garlic, grated parm and goat cheese to be “food processed”. So, in all my redheaded brilliance, I (who do not own a food processor) thought:

“A food processor…has blades that spin. I don’t own a food processor. Unfortunate. BUT I DO have a blender! Blenders have blades that spin…therefore…blender = tiny food processor!"

Um…not so much. Lesson learned - not all kitchen appliances are created equal. So now we know...and frankly, knowing is half the battle.

London Calling

The crazy has been upgraded – to insanity! 

I left crazy along the highway when I discovered this morning that that my next few weeks are going to be INSANE!!! Ironic in light of recent discussions? Perhaps.

Tomorrow morning, I’m off to the great state of Texas (Houston & Dallas) on business until next Tuesday. Then I’m home for a grand total of 48 hours and then (I don’t think I’ve mentioned this) but I’m escaping inauguration madness and fleeing to the land of kings, queens, pubs, cute accents….sigh. That’s right kids – if off to London I go!

Some of my dear UK readers– I would love your input on fun places to go! I’ve done the London staples many times so aside from a possible pilgrimage to St. Paul’s, I’ll be trying to stay away from the tourist traps. Please, please lots of input!

But you see how this leaves very little time for, well, anything (including packing!) Though luckily, this is one time where the madness has nothing to do with love, men or relationships. And frankly, that’s always something to be thankful for.


Frankly,

Rebuilt

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”

~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

 

2008 made an unceremonious exit from my apartment. No fanfare, no Champagne and certainly no tears to heralded its departure. Much like the 2008 Michigan football team, for me, 2008 was a “rebuilding year”. For that is what one must do when one is seemingly left with nothing. However, when one has nowhere to go but up, it is amazing how far one can climb. 

Frankly,





 




P.S. As you may have guessed, I made it home for Christmas and a safe, if slightly delayed return to DC.

“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.”

~ T.S. Eliot