Saturday, September 9, 2006

Summer Lovin'

So after sharing a many bottles of wine with my roommate this week, I did something I know I should NEVER do – I drunk dialed my ex boyfriend (SA).…yes, I’m THAT girl. I hadn’t talked to him in years but surprisingly enough had his number in my phone.

OK, bit of background – SA and I dated many many moons ago. 1999 to be exact. We were kids! It was the summer before my sophomore year of college (summer lovin’ had me a blast…sing it with me now). Anyways to make a very long and very complicated story short…we dated for about 9 months during which I got mindf*cked left, right and backwards which is not the sole reason but certainly a contributing factor to my sliding into a depression and a very serious eating disorder. Ya…not pretty. (He’s since apologized and I’ve obviously moved on emotionally).

So anyway we chatted for the first time in about 3 years (he’s in London) doing well, blah blah blah tells me all about his new girlfriend and …I find myself… eerily disturbed. Not because I would EVER take him back but because…I don’t know…I don’t think it’s fair of him to treat someone better than he treated me? Because I was sooo young and gorgeous and skinny (maybe too skinny…) and not so much anymore (ok, well I didn’t turn UGLY in the past 6 years…but…you know). And she’s uber pretty, skinny, blah blah blah.

Am I jealous? Is it my wildly competitive streak? Did I just hear is deep voice with that thick accent on the phone and remember how the wild and crazy kids had wild and crazy sex all summer long?

Are these thoughts unhealthy? Yes. Immature? Most definitely. Needy? Fine. Natural? I sure as hell hope so. Perhaps I got mind f*cked and didn’t even know it? Entirely possible.

No…I’m not jealous. She can HAVE him – but I still want him to want me more…or at least want me even though I’m not 19 anymore. To validate that yes, I am in fact more mature, more attractive, more confident, more together, blah blah blah than I was even 2 years ago…let alone 6! I know I should be comfortable in the knowledge that this is all true and leave it at that.


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