Monday, February 23, 2009

Sex & The Red Carpet

Instead of regaling you with tales of my date with Irish on Friday (i.e. the BEST SEX of my LIFE) – I've chosen to add a few opinions and commentary on last night's Oscar celebration. After all, what kind of pop-culture obsessed, aspiring bitchy fashionista would I be if I didn’t give you a play by play of the red carpet??

There I was, watching all of the glitz, the glam, the extensions…in tres fabulous homebody mode in boxer shorts, a grey, faded U of M sweatshirt, my favorite pink, fuzzy slippers and the perfect accessory: a freshly popped bottle of champange. What more could a girl want, right? Well, I'll tell you. I WANT TO WEAR A PRETTY DRESS and spend hours having my hair done, my makeup professionally applied, my nails manicured, spray tan applied and my own personal fashion consultant!!!!

Sigh. Pout. 

But even in the far more subdued glamor style of fuzzy slippers I still felt compelled to provide a stream of conscious-type commentary.

The Oscars: The Good
Of course the Oscars bring out the beautiful people of the silver screen - however - watching all of these just incredibly stunning women makes me just want to give up!

Penelope – you looked AMAZING!!! While I prefer you in your signature black dress, you looked equally alluring in your pale shaded ball gown. Equally poised was your acceptance speech. Bravo.

Natalie Portman – I frequently reel over her performance in "Closer", but she is just such a perpetually stunning woman. 
Kate Winslet – Congrats to you, Kate with your Academy Award and thank you for giving us girls with curves something to aspire to (i.e. not size negative 4). Also, hands down my favorite dress of the night (with Reese Witherspoon coming in at a close second). Apparently the one shoulder statement was tres en vogue this year. I’ll have to remember that for my next black tie event….of course by the time that comes around – who knows!?

Angelina: YES YES for the green jewelry with the black dress. Understated. Classic. Bravo.

Jen: GOOD FOR YOU! Way to walk on stage looking stunning directly in front of your ex and the women that he left you for. I know I personally could not do it with your grace and poise no matter now many millions of people were watching. Then again they were on a 7 second delay and who knows WHAT went on in the theatre while they were rolling the animation clips. What do you think Brad was thinking as he watched her? Hm.

Incidentally – did you see the RED!? Yea for the comeback of the red dress, Amy Adams, Heidi Klum and several others!!!

The Frightful
Woopi – ware you going on safari??? I’m all for leopard print honey but seriously, if Joy doesn’t berate you on the View tomorrow for your fashion…choice of dress…that is blatant censorship. 

SJP – Maybe I’m just not ‘in the know’ or fashion forward enough to appreciate this “mint” colored froufrou dress. Carrie – you know I love ya, but ….I wasn’t a fan. 

Beyoncee – May I just say, “no”. NO NO NO. She looked like a piece of Greek pottery! This dress violated every rule of curvy girl fashion, mainly #1 - NO MERMAID DRESSES! Those dresses are for women who have figures a la 10-year old boys and need at accentuate any curves they have. 

Jessica Biel – was I the only one who thought her dress looked like the towel that I wrap around myself when I come out of the shower? Seriously – it looks like she wrapped some fabric around herself and then tucked it in in front. 

Thus conculdes my not so deep Oscar Night thoughts.

Now back to the sex. 

To make a long story short (and I will share the long story at another time) – when I said “the BEST sex EVER” – I wasn’t referring to literal physical intimacy. I was referring to the absolute INSANE fantasies that plagued me all weekend following the hands down, most amazingly sexy kiss, I’ve EVER received. 

Definitely an Oscar worthy leading man.


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