Monday, February 13, 2012

The Good, The Bad, the Fucked up & the Frustrated

The Good
Putting clean sheets on my bed and realizing I didn’t go over my weight watcher points yesterday.

The Bad
The feeling that I’ve lost myself and can’t get it back with the person I’m supposed to love. Did he suck it out of me? Did I give myself away willingly? Was it a combination f the two? All I know is that I can’t be myself, I don’t feel loved and I don’t feel whole enough to stand on my own right now. Which leaves me a bit…nowhere.

The Fucked Up
Walking out abruptly on my friends at a restaurant because I didn’t want Eli* to know I was out with friends eating and drinking. I am not going to pretend that this wasn’t fucked up on a great many levels.

The Frustrating
I am currently my own worst enemy. I don’t want to lay down, I don’t want to stand up, I don’t want to talk about my feelings, I don’t want to FEEL my feelings, I don’t want to work, I don’t want to take care of myself, I don’t want to do the things I KNOW will make me feel better. I’m not acting like myself. I’m not treating myself or those around me with respect. I want to feel loved in my relationship, but I don’t feel safety, acceptance or support – so how can I open myself to love? But how can I bear I start all over? I just want to curl up in my mother’s arms and cry. I want my dad to tell me what to do. I want someone to give me some answers. Because frankly, at this moment I have nothing but doubt and dread. 

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*My boyfriend of 9 months


Shiny said...

I popped over here from Candy Sandwich, and am mighty glad I did. I’m a fan of honest writing. Yours seems to be that. Wierdly I just wrote a bit about feeling bland and, in your “Frustratedness” section, I found myself nodding (I like to think I was doing it sagely, but I probably wasn’t) and seeing myself. Here’s to finding ourselves again and, with that, finding our happiness! Can't help you with answers but am sending sunshine from the tip of Africa x

always a drunk, never a bride said...

yoooooooskis. your rss feed isn't updating properly *stomps foot*. also - bah. except on the good! that's awesome!