Conversations with My Father (Part One)

I received the below email from my father last week following the aforementioned break up. It made me think. 

While somewhat hard to hear, I thought it was worth considerable reflection and I wanted to post it here, lest it fade into archived obscurity within the bottomless hole that is currently my gmail in-box. 

Frankly, after your wonderful comments on the last bit of fatherly advice, I just couldn't resist the urge to share this honest and heartfelt bit of paternal correspondence.
 

 

It's late and I'm worried about you getting home, so I thought I'd "scratch off a few lines", as they used to say. 

Sorry about your last minute email from [The Chef], but that in itself was revealing enough to know it was for the best.  In that context, I offer these thoughts for whatever they are worth.

Women like you, Scarlett (transparently needful of romantic love), are particularly at risk I think, because there are two ways most men will respond: (1) with reciprocal endearment and love or (2) as an invitation to exploitation.  It's just the way men are.  And, sadly, there are far more of the latter than the former.  Therefore, I think that you should try to be a little more guarded in your interactions with, and reactions to, men.  You have so much to offer the right man, but you cannot sell it too cheaply or offer it too readily.  There is an old saying I heard a long time ago and never forgot: that people tend to disdain what is thrown at them.  And that is all too true.  Moreover, by being too eager you sell yourself short.  The descriptions you have given me of your recent interactions did not convey much respect on his part, nor self-assuredness on yours.  I guess my sense is (and I don't mean to sound cliched) that you need to take ownership of your own 'personhood', for lack of a better word, in such a way as to demand that requisite respect before offering love--not after.  Real respect and love are mutually reinforcing and mutually sustaining. 

You have been through so much for one so young, but you must resist the temptation to think of yourself  as a victim.  Down that road lies immense vulnerability, not to mention cynicism.  You are in need of neither one just now.  You must take stock of your incredible assets and value them commensurately.  The question in your mind should always be whether or not a man measures up to your (preferably astronomical) specifications, not whether you measure up to his.  Meanwhile, concentrate on the requisite self-improvement we all seek.

I'm not so old that I don't understand the need for intimacy with someone, honey.  But this lurching from "candidate to candidate" in this fashion can't be good for you can it?  I mean you are so much more than that.  The mental toll, for one thing, must be considerable.  And disappointment and despair tend to reinforce each other in a cyclic, toxic emotional cocktail.  You really need to rethink your perspective, Scarlett, along with your own self regard, in order to concoct an antidote for it.  And if you do, I think you'll find that the more you redirect that energy and emotional commitment toward self-improvement and self-fulfillment, the sooner fate will take a hand with the romance.  I'm certain of it.

I actually wrote this several days ago but wanted to wait until after New Years eve to send it. 

Our trip home to the 'Promised Land' [Texas] (that really ticks Mom off when I say it) was very enjoyable and uneventful.

Love you.

My Greatest Fans

Recently I had a bad day. A fight with the new guy, shall call him The Chef, left my eyes swollen and sore with the salty remnants of tears and face so blotchty and so red that they seemed to blend seamlessly with my hair.

After calming both the physical and mental effects of the argument with a frozen ice pack for my face, and a bottle of Zin for my soul, I went to bed. Two days later I was on the phone with my father when he detected something in my voice. Whether a hint of sadness or a slight tone of frustration managed to seep through my masque of perhaps overly compensatory cheerfulness, I'm not sure. But my father, never one to be fooled by any false sentiment I may utter or deterred with a deflecting "I don't want to talk about it", finally wore me down. I gave him a brief outline of my recent romantic turmoil, bemoaned general frustration with dating, men, and relationships. Expressed frustration and in a state of emotional exhaustion, I think I even touted the virtues of an arranged marriage system.

The next morning I woke to the following email which I thought both caring, thoughtful and poignant. Frankly, I believe its underlying thesis to be an emotionally stinging truth but one that bears consideration

Hi Sweets.  Just want to say how sorry I am that you feeling low.  Life is tough in more ways than one, but that's not going to assuage you much I'm afraid.  I don't know what the answer is, Scarlett.  Your Mom and I tried to raise you to be successful and independent--and we succeeded spectacularly. 

If we made a mistake by not just marrying you off at eighteen, then I apologize.  But the older I get, the more I am convinced that happiness in life is about maximizing one's choices, and you have more choices than most women have. The flip-side of that, of course, is that you have to make some tough ones. 

It seems to me as if you are waiting for lightning to strike in an ecstatically transformative way--as with Cinderella or Snow White.  Since you are an incurable romantic (and you may not know this, but  you get that from me), you are sort of caught in a vise, waiting for that optimal situation to transpire.  But the truth is, honey, that it may or may not.  And you need to be prepared for either contingency.  And if, in the end, a very good alternative presents itself, rather the one of your dreams, it will be left to you to choose.  

My advise is simply to not  allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good.

I'm nearing old age, and long distanced from the dating scene.  Yet I can't believe there are no good men out there with whom you could be happy.  Then again, remaining unattached and unencumbered has its own advantages.  Just know that your specifications as to what you deem acceptable may change with time, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.  It isn't 'selling out' so much as it is an adaptation.  Just know that however you choose to configure your priorities, it is your life and your decision.  All I can offer is the father's hope--that if you do find someone, that discovery is impelled by much more than the mirage of transient attraction--such as the revelation of deep character, mutual respect and long-term goals.  That's my take, for what it's worth.

I know that I often sound churlish in trying to discipline you financially.  But don't ever forget that Mom and I can only be as happy as you are.  We are your greatest fans.

Love,

Papa