Law & Order

There is a jack hammer tearing up the parking garage in my office building.

It has been going on for four days.

It is so loud that my desk is shaking.

It sounds like a broken vibrator that needs to be put out of its misery.

It’s so loud I cannot make necessary phone calls because I CAN”T HEAR THE PERSON ON THE OTHER LINE. Hell! I can barely hear my secretary buzz me on my intercom! Its noon and I’ve already popped 6 Excedrin migraines.

I’m loosing my mind.

I can’t take it.

I AM GOING TO SNAP!

I can see the Law & Order, ripped-from-the-headlines’-episode now: (cue wavy dream sequence) Title: “Jack Hammer”. The premise: a sweet, smart, amazingly hot redhead played by Lindsey Lohan (hey! My L&O episode, my fantasy!) After much emotional and professional stress, she is pushed over the edge by the sound of a jackhammer pounding away, non stop in her office building for FOUR days.

One day her VP asks her to scrap a presentation she’s been working on for a week and a half because she’s decided to go in a different direction and…she just snaps…goes nuts… kills her VP and anyone else that has managed to piss her off in the last week or so (don’t worry – I’m really not this violent but this is L&O, and I wouldn’t be put on trial for just yelling at people or breaking down in tears now would I?).

Picture it, the courtroom scene, my lawyer cross-examining me, bringing in shrinks with theories, telling the jury that it wasn’t me but the sound of that jackhammer 6 hours a day, non stop, for 4 days straight that drove me to it. The jury comes back with a “not guilty on all counts” verdict and A.D.A Jack McCoy charges the construction company with…criminally loud…migraine inducing….maintenance work and orders the company to pay me $1.3 million dollars for mental and physical anguish. I rush into the arms of my boyfriend (played by Russell Crowe….again MY fantasy). And we live happily ever after! THE END

Ok, so I have a vivid imagination (and perhaps watch a little too much L&O)…BUT I’M LOOSING MY MIIIIINNNNDDDDDDDD!

Speaking of L&O, be sure to watch tonight because my friend, Will is in it!! (not sure what his role is, but he’ll be the QT, bald, African American with the killer smile!)

Adventures in Self Esteem

My intern came into my office today and over the course of our conversation he mentioned that every night before he goes to bed he reminds himself of 5 reasons that either today was productive, or why he likes who he is. While this sounds, in theory like a healthy, self-motivating habit – considering his sometime overweening ego, maybe he should cut back to 7 things once a week.

ANYWAY –while he was explaining this practice and the motivations behind it he suggested that I take it up. I laughed it off and he said, “I’m serous, Red! I think it would be good for you. Find 5 things you like about yourself right now.” I laughed and replied “Intern, why don’t you find 5 positive things about me first”.

So he made the following list on my wipe board:
1) She doesn’t like John Kerry
2) She is genetically sound (Irish)
3) She has good taste in beverage & roommates (he has a crush on OC)
4) She has a nice raincoat
5) He’s still working on #5….

So thank you, Intern. I’m sure with that list of accolades I’m sure to win the self-esteem beauty pageant.

Sarcasm aside…maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. I find myself finding more fault with me than my mother usually (and let me tell you that takes some doing!). However, I think 5 is a bit excessive and could possibly lead to severe self-esteem inflation which is, frankly, not very attractive. So we’ll start small and try it for a week and see if it works. I think to temper this however I should add one thing that I want to change as well – just to keep it real.

So for Tuesday, the things I like about Red are:
1) Her hair (love the color – hell I’ve devoted a blog to it!)
2) Her ability to make people laugh with her quick, smart @ss remarks
3) Her fabulous taste in trendy, yet classic footwear

And let’s change: Her need to tell everyone exactly what she thinks exactly when she thinks it…being a little more tactful when propriety dictates.

Come on, people! What do you like about yourself – this is not the time to be modest!




Song obsession of the moment: “Taylor the latte boy” – Kristin Chenowith

I love my job

The body and mind start to do crazy things when they've been deprived of sleep, substantial nutrition, are running on 72 hours of caffeine and adrenaline, and are shut into an office space with other sleep deprived, malnourished, sugar-high ridden, caffeine junkies.

The following comments were made in the office today....

10) "What's that banging sound?" "It's red banging her head against the wall"

9) Uhghghghghghg (in a Tarzan-like voice) (VP)

8) "It's fuzzy....Women like to touch it" (Intern)

7) (in response to #8) hm...Sounds like a personal problem

6) "Hello, I'm returning your call"..."great! Do you remember which client I called you about?"

5) "I want 4 kids" intern replied "you mean there are going to be 4 Red's running around and making fun of everyone??"

4) I'll come to your office for a meeting if I can lie down on the floor

3) ...You can't lay down on the floor...The CEO is already lying there (VP)

2) I JUST WANT SOME NUTS (CEO)

1) Sorry, I can't talk to you now - I'm making up facts!

OH - and about 5 minutes ago, the four offices next to mine all broke out in a wildly off-key rendition of "I just called to say, I love you".

Oy! What a day!

Adventures in Babysitting

Friday night, when all of my blogger buddies were apparently having a grand old time at Lucky Bar, I was reliving my teenage years – flashing to back to when I was fifteen and making my bi-monthly Saturday night appearance at the Smith residence.

The Smith’s had 3 boys, ages 4, 8, and 10 and it was a pretty easy job seeing as how they were all pretty self-sufficient, no need for diaper changing or human interaction really as they were perfectly content to spend the evening watching tv and playing video games. All I had to do was to cook them dinner (usually no more complicated than ordering pizza or making pasta, and its sad to say that the growth in my culinary repitoire has since plateaued) and the send them off to bed (at wich time my boyfriend would come over and we would “watch a movie” and we all know this phrase is fifteen year old speak for makeout for 2 hours).

This fun little evening would end around midnight when he would have to move his oh sooo cool red, Pontiac Sunfire (hey, I was a country girl…yes I thought his red Pontiac was cool) from the gravel driveway so Mr. & Mrs. Smith didn’t suspect that their babysitter was doing anything immoral while their darling boys slept overhead.

Well, my Friday night was spent babysitting my boss’ daughter (who is, by the way, a precious moments doll come to life). Boss lady asked my if I would be cooking for her to which I replied, “not unless you want your daughter to have pizza, pasta or something that can be made by pressing the express-cook button the microwave.” So pizza it was! It was a harsh night, full of defeat – I got shut out of “Hungry Hungry Hippos”, got my @ss handed to me in “Candy Land” and at one point she had me under the dining room table glueing popcicle sticks together – Oy!

So I put her to bed around 9 after reading her two bedtime stories (beauty and the beast and Cinderella – a story I will NOT be reading to my own daughter) and tucked her in. About an hour later I heard her crying over the baby monitor. So of course I rushed in and picked her up, tried to calm her down.

I’m thinking “oh god! What’s the matter? Does your tummy hurt? Did you have a bad dream? Do you need water? Did you wet the bed?” And she’s just crying and crying and crying and I can’t calm her down! This goes on for like 5 minutes! (Felt like 30) I’m thinking “OMG!”

This is my boss’ kid! I’m going to get fired! Should I call 911? Should I call my boss? And then – she just stopped and went back to sleep! Apparently she has NIGHT TERRORS! This would have been useful information to have say at the beginning of the evening.

That took 2 years off my life I swear! *Sigh of relief* Well maybe someday I’ll have a little red headed, green-eyed terror of my very own….but for now I’ll stick to my birth control patch and my cat.

Mamma Said There'd be Days Like This*

I was angry when I got home. Just in a f-o-u-l mood.

Maybe it was because of the stress of the day. Maybe it’s just because I’m frustrated at work because I don’t know where to begin on a new project. Maybe it’s because when I walked into my bathroom this evening, the vanity lights that hang over my mirror had fallen off the wall and were hanging precariously by two, rather thin, electrical-looking wires…Just the way they were this morning when I told apartment maintenance about the problem and was assured it would be remedied by 5:00 p.m.!

Maybe I was mad at myself for not getting my butt out of bed this morning and going to the gym and my oh-so-cute little black skirt was feeling..little-r than usual. Maybe I was frustrated at one of my VPs for turning a simple, rational project into an arbitrary, unorganized MESS!

Maybe it was because my friends, including Barbies #1, #2 AND #3 are no where to be found! #1 is off in Paris with a beautiful man having lovely sex, Parisian style; #2 is lamenting the fact that her boyfriend just started his first year in law school; and #3 is just plain MIA.
Maybe I was pissed at myself for not having plans on a Wednesday night. What happened to the dating MACHINE that WAS Irish Red?? Well let me tell ya, she was stupid. She broke all her rules. She cared a little too much about someone who she professed meant nothing (WPB). And it’s come back to bite her in the ass!

Of course it didn’t help that all of her favorite CDs now remind her of him or that she happened to be playing said CDs constantly. Either that or reflective, acoustic music to slit your wrists by recordings (ala Joni Mitchell) – leaving her ultimately uninspired romantically.

Oh sure, she still flirts, and even gives out the occasional phone number (something she should really start to curb …Mr. Theology called yesterday!). But even the male attention wasn’t as gratifying as it used to be. Maybe THAT was it, ultimately she was sick and tired of thinking about him. Emotionally exhausted. Why wasn’t he as utterly unforgettable as the rest of her short-lived romantic trysts?

Because he kept calling? Because she kept answering the phone? Because she broke her rules for him? Because he was the first man in 6 months not to declare his undying affections after two dates? Because she took the time to get to know him? Honestly, she feels like SUCH an idiot! I KNOW I KNOW he’s a jerk! He slept with who KNOWS how many women over the course of our 6 week involvement and let’s not forget the threesome incident!

UGH! Maybe she had been on one too many bad dates and it was nice to know she’d have a good time (the devil you know…and all). Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything or anyone else distracting me at the moment. Lord knows I don’t want a relationship….but…I guess I wasn’t ready to end it and I have a problem with that - call it my need to control a situation? Discussion for another entry perhaps?

Well, dahlings, you’ll be happy to know though that through this ranting, I have calmed down a great deal since I first sat down to write**. I even think that incorporating my WPB rant was somewhat therapeutic. So thank you for indulging me this evening.

The world's smallest balcony...

Yes, I am feeling much better. I’m sitting on the world’s smallest balcony overlooking downtown, DC, sipping on a glass of wine, smoking my precious Marlboro Ultra Lights, and attempting to exhale all the problems of the day through either the smoke or these laptop keys before I inhale the stress of the morning.



* OC takes credit for her words of wisdom
** And the maintenence guy came up and fixed my lighting situation after I complained, so again, day got a bit better towards the end

I'm never drinking again...until tomorrow*

Well, yesterday was the company retreat. We were supposed to spend the day golfing, but Ernesto seemed to have other plans for us. So the start of the day with a 9:00 a.m. tee time out in McLean turned out to be a 9:30 a.m. reservation at the Silver Diner complete with blueberry pancakes, maples syrup, coffee and Bloody Mary’s. YUM!

After immerging from our food comas we decided to do the next best thing to golf – bowling! So we went to Fort Meyers for a little beer and bowling. MMMM…an afternoon of my 2 favorite things…hot men in uniform and cheap beer.

So after many, many Miller Lites and light flirtation with big, strong, military-type boys in the adjacent lanes, we left to drive back into DC where co-workers decided that we should continue the merriment and grab some food at…you guessed it! The Front Page.

Well, as you can imagine, the wind and rain (and the fact that happy hour didn’t start for a couple of hours) kept most of the cheap beer drinking, wings eating, TGIF celebrating folks away.

Fast forward to 7 p.m….I went out to Hawk & Dove for a friend’s birthday party. This is actually the same group of friends that I was with last Friday so we’re talking very Republican, Catholic, nice, smart guys but…well…you know

And the drinking continued, but by the pitcher-full this time. Because the bar was hardly crowded, all of the people in the back bar with us were part of the group. And so I was walking around, and along the way said hello to a tall, not handsome but nice looking boy. Turns out he knew my friend through a Theology Happy Hour. Did you know these existed? (Because I thought they were an urban-catholic-school myth). Apparently you go to a happy hour and hear a lecture about theology. Who does this?? I mean I enjoy a good sacramental wine as much as the next person…but really.

Anyway, being the social butterfly that I am, I soon ended the conversation and moved onto a taller, more handsome lawyer across the room J At this point I was mighty tipsy (keep in mind that I had been drinking since 10 a.m.), kissing cheeks with red lipstick, etc. (which was a big hit).

Somehow (the details are kinda fuzzy), I found myself talking to Mr. Theology again and at one point he started touching me a bit on my arm then a hand on my back, etc. I went along with it. Not because I was particularly attracted to him, but because …I was bored? …because I had been drinking for 13 hours!? Who the hell knows?

While getting my bar tab he asked if I wanted a ride home. And I thought, why not? It’s raining cats & dogs, who knows if I’ll be able to find a taxi, besides, I just used the last of my cash to buy the birthday boy some shots! So we say goodbye and I jump into his car.

I was fine with the light physical contact in the bar, but in the solitude of a front seat, things weren’t quite as kosher. But I’ve been handling these kinds of situations since I was 15 so I thought: “I’ll be fine – besides, he goes to Bible-thumping* happy hours and he’s probably still a virgin! How bad could it get?” (famous last words).

Well…it certainly got….interesting. He started petting my face (not in a look each other’s eyes adoringly, caressing the face kind of way, but …he was driving! One hand on the wheel and one hand petting…actually petting my face.).

We finally got back to my building and he asked if he could walk me up. Now, I must say that I have a few rules when dating and they include: no kissing on the first date and definitely no one sees the inside of my apartment for the first few dates (not because my place is insanely messy necessarily, but because being inside leads to couch sitting, which leads to couch laying which leads to ….)

ANYHOO he walks me to my door, I say ‘thank you’ and goodnight. And yes, I broke the kissing rule, but come on…it was just a kiss…and we weren't exactly on a date. well, he got back on the petting thing, and morphed it into LICKING. Yes, people, he actually LICKED my face. On what planet is this OK? In what culture is this socially acceptable?? So I’m attempting to cope with the gross-out factor, physically PUSH him off of me and we initiated the hook up push/pull:

Mr. Theology: Let’s go sit down
Red: No, I’m pretty tired
Mr. Theology: But it’s early
Red: I don't want to move too fast
Mr. Theology: We're not going too fast
Red: My roommate’s in there…blah blah.

Good lord, people! You would think that Mr. Theology, a guy who attends Catholics anonymous at bars wouldn’t be so quick to um…infringe on a girl's purity…or LICK her face. Am I wrong? Or are all guys looking to hook up regardless of professions of piety?

So I woke up this morning and decided that I’m never drinking again…apparently it leads to getting mauled by drunk theology students. Maybe I need to lay off the church-going kids for awhile.

*Sigh* gotta go – my roommate is pouring me a drink…





* can't take credit for this title - i awoke to this txt message from my favorite irish boy in Detroit
** don't get me wrong, religion is a beautiful thing and I will no doubt be going to confession tomorrow morning...or afternoon depending on what time i get up